Rethinking Fidelity
Fidelity, faithfulness, loyalty. We
think of these words as they relate to others in our lives, usually a
spouse or significant other. We require it of others, we require it of
ourselves. But how often is that faithfulness turned inward? When are
we taught to be faithful to ourselves? To the quiet voice within. When
have we even been taught to give ear to that voice, to our own needs?
No no, that would be selfish, we are taught. We shouldn't have needs or desires,
especially if they don't coincide with the welfare of others. We should
sacrificially deny ourselves for others, that's how you truly live,
right? Wrong. That's how you kill your soul.
There needs to be a
complete redefinition of fidelity. We need to first learn
to be true to ourselves, faithful to the inner processes, the workings,
the inklings that we have, and not try to push them, stifle them or
attempt to create them the way they "should" be from someone elses
perspective, or even our own perspective skewed by culture or the
pressure of compassion.
When I look at relationships, I see a
process. Attraction and connection turn into love. Love turns into
exclusiveness and fidelity. Fidelity to another without being faithful
to yourself turns into obligation. And obligation turns into contempt.
Not exactly the recipe for lifelong happiness. Not a recipe for a vivid
inner soul life either.
How many times have we roped ourselves
into a relationship, because that's what we should have wanted. Or
because we felt pressured by society or family, or by the inner voices
that echo their sentiments. How many times have we done what was
expected of us in any area of life, stayed within the box not because
it was feeding us, but because it was safe? Yet in the process killed
off a part of our soul.
So situations arise where we could
choose to follow our true heart. We feel passion arise in us, twinges
of desire. Body, heart, soul yearnings. And yet we are confused as to
what to do. We have been taught to be good little girls (and boys), and
"behave" in such and such a way because that is the "proper" way. We
confuse fidelity to a cause, to a belief system, to expectations or
even another person with fidelity to ourselves and our soul and so wind
up in such a jumbled muck of a mess, walls plastered with confusion,
pain and death.
Well I'm through with proper! Done being good and only
coloring in the lines! Good for what? For who? For me or for someone
else? For some expectation of fidelity that I was roped into following?
For someone elses expectation of what my life should be? When does
being faithful to myself come in?? True, I don't want to hurt anyone,
but I've lived my whole life thinking about other people's
feelings, or how they will think of me. When have I actually lived for
me? When have I actually heard my own inklings and followed them?!
When?!? We are trained not to think of ourselves. Listening to our
soul yearnings is somehow selfish and evil. Well I say when we ignore
those yearnings, we start killing off parts of ourselves. And that is
more evil.
No, I'm not advocating infidelity, or blindly
following whims at the expense and pain of others. But I am advocating
a sort of fidelity that is to ourselves first and foremost. Fidelity is defined as a notion that implies a truthful connection to a source or sources.
Society and history have defined that source as something outside of
us, a lord or master as in the feudal times, or a spouse or lover in
modern times. But I want to redefine that source not as something
outside of ourselves, but rather as the inward source, the soul.
What
if expectations in relationships were different?! What if fidelity said "hey, whatever happens, I want you to be true to your own heart, your
own inklings, your own desires (being that they aren't completely
addictive and dysfunctional). However that coincides with my
inklings, heart and desires, sobeit. When the circles overlap,
beautiful, when they don't, they don't! If being true to your heart
means something painful for me, I deal with it and realize that I'm not
fully in the place where I'm willing to let you live instinctually, and
that somehow I need to get there." It would take a lot of openness and a
healthy dose of self love. But, it would be real!
And then
translate that to every area of our lives. Where fidelity first and
foremost is in listening to our inner voices, really hearing them and
following them. Doing nothing out of obligation, societal pressure, or
fear. Relationships of all sorts would take on a different flavor. Life
itself would begin to change, and we would finally begin to understand
what it is to live life vividly and love ourselves and in the process
love others - deeply, from the soul.
